The Old NKOTB
Holy crap. It's been almost four months since I was laid off from my job of nearly 17 years and about seven weeks since I started working for another newspaper. Believe me, I know I am #BLESSED #AF to be employed and drawing a paycheck again, but I just have to say that it really kinda sucks being the New Kid On The Block. Especially when you have recently become targeted by AARP for membership in their club and all the perks that come with it (ie: discount at Denny's, not-smart phone with oversized keypad, fanny pack). To be more precise, then, it sucks ballz being the Old New Kid On The Block, knowing that my new colleagues look at me and wonder if I had a blast playing pinball with Jesus when I was a girl.
I mean, really, I don't feel old ... except those times when my arthritis acts up and my bunions are aggrieved and the stiff little hairs sprouting from my chin snag the yarn on my shawl as I attempt to warm myself because I am always cold except when I am HOT AF because HORMONES!!! But I digress ...
My new co-workers have all been really kind, but I suspect the worst ... probably because I have been the worst. For a lot of years, I was the one grumbling about the new guy -- we'll call him, let's say ... "Gary Oldman" -- who kept DOING IT WRONG! Gary Oldman was experienced, though! Let's be patient with Gary Oldman, because one day we will be Gary Oldman and ... wait, he did what? Gary Oldman needs to get with the program because this isn't 1987 and blah blah blah until one day Gary Oldman threw down his walker and strutted the fuck out. And then we were all "But I have vacation time I need to use" and bosstypes were like "Yeah, well, tough shit. We're another body down, so suck it up, buttercup. Meanwhile, I'm gonna go do my life sorry bye-eee."
To be sure, I am not ageist. I have been infintely impatient with all sorts of youthful colleagues as well as the geriatric ones. I became particularly impatient the year the interns became younger than my kid. And then there was the intern season I became enraged when one of them asked "Who is Olivia DeHavilland?" Also so much giggling. Also GET OFF MY LAWN!
At any rate, I know my new colleagues are as sick of hearing me say their name as a harried mother is of hearing "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." "Mama." Except, I can't very well excuse it all with an "I love you, Yvette." Too soon. Much too soon.
Also, I'm sure they would like to set me on fire if they hear this one more time: "How do you I MEAN WE! hahahaha do ... "
Additionally, I wouldn't blame them if they are mentally punching me in the throat every time I say "I'm drawing a blank" and "I know you told me this once, but ... "
And surely they have prayed to the Mighty Editor In The Sky to give them strength if they have to pretend one more time be amused by my "derps" and not horrified by my "slacks."
I've heard a few co-workers mention their ages in passing, as in "I'm almost (Gary Oldman minus 20 or 30) GAWD!" and I die a little bit inside, which is rapidly catching up to the decay on the outside. I'm aging disgracefully. I don't want to be the old, haggard, desperate, obsolete, trying-to-hard lady. I want to be one of the gang, but that actually ended 12 years ago, when the newer, younger versions were hanging out, then talking about hanging out, then hanging out some more, without the thought ever crossing their minds that I, too, wanted to hang out! Take the time to peel back the J. Crew, subtract the Subaru and you'll find a core of awesome Generation X, for fuck's sake!
Believe it or not, GenX-ers are a super valuable workplace commodity (proof). We're flexible, adaptable, teachable and resourceful. We have experience that spans from floppy disk to slipped discs, drive-ins to hard drives, Atari to Zillow, "CHiPs" (1977/bad) to "CHiPs" (2017/worse).
The point being, young colleagues, I may be your parents' age but your parents prolly saw some good concerts and did some good drugs. Don't let my sensible handbag throw you; I bring more to the table than a Jello Mold.